I Hate To Fly!
I’ve always been a lousy airline passenger. Turbulence makes my stomach turn. Every unexplained bump & grind in the air forces me to put on my headphones, turn up my iPod & concentrate on the relaxation tapes that I’ve downloaded to relieve my flying phobias.
Too bad the nature of what I do forces me to fly almost once a month. And the truth is, I love to travel. I just hate the actual time in the air!
And this doesn’t help…
Is there a good seat on a plane these days? How is it that it always seems like I manage to sit near the biggest losers?
Today I flew to Florida on “Dogshit Airlines”.
I was actually spared the crying baby in the seat behind me… That was my last trip!
Or the annoying parent behind me that spends the whole trip shaking the rattle and talking in goo-goo talk to a toddler who is actually already asleep. I’ll take the cute little tyke over the neurotic parent any day.
Then there are the bible toting proselytzers who feel that their direct deposit into heaven is to get me to sign-up my soul on the dotted line by the time the plane gets to our final destination. (This actually happened to me a few years ago.) The last thing I want to hear while I’m flying is:
What if this plane should suddenly start spiraling downward and crash in a blazing inferno… Would you go to hell or die happily knowing you’ll see Jesus soon?
Luckily, there was another seat a few rows back so that I could get away from this nutter who was scaring the shit out of me!
No… Today l didn’t share my flight with any of “THOSE PEOPLE”. Today I traveled with ANNOYING GUY… (AG) He shows up 5 minutes before the plane is set to take off & claims the middle seat in my row of three. I had the window.
AG is one those guys that doesn’t get the rules of SHARED SPACE. He’s all elbows and arms on my seat. I found myself crammed into the wall to get away from him. A couple of times I knocked his elbow when there was just no more wall left for me to hug. NOT TO MENTION… HE HAD HALITOSIS AND WAS GROSSING ME OUT BY THE SMELL!
He ordered two rounds of vodka & orange juice, and then tried a couple of times to strike up a conversation with me, but I managed to discourage talk by putting on my headphones.
That was when AG fell asleep. Over and over, for 2 hours, this stinky asshole KEPT FALLING ON TO ME! His head actually landed on my shoulder several times. I’d wake him up, he’d sputter out a quick OOPS, and go back to sleep, only to end up on my shoulder a few minutes later. YUCK! “Friendly Skies” my ass!
Maybe people should have to go through a smell-o-meter before boarding the plane. Hell, we already have to take off our shoes!
Maybe that crying baby wasn’t so bad?
