You Can Run...BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE!!!

A few years ago, I was a regular cast member of Public Radio International 's MOUNTAIN STAGE out of West Virginia. Of course I have lots of stories to tell about playing on that show, and living in West Virginia... But this story is about living as a big fish in a small pond. (No offense to ANY of my good friends in W.VA.)

So here goes... Many moons ago, I was having problems with recurring bladder infections. My doctor told me that I would have to go to the local hospital and have some tests so that they could figure out what was causing the problem. No big deal. Only an outpatient procedure. In and out in a few hours...

WHAT THEY DIDN'T TELL ME was that they were going to knock me out, and that I would have to remove my contacts from my eyes. OK, that doesn't sound like a big deal to some of you, BUT I'M BLIND AS A BAT!!! (Reading too many little black dots on the music page over the years) AND I HADN'T BROUGHT MY GLASSES. The nurse brought me a couple of little urine specimen cups filled with saline to put my contacts in.

They instructed me to get fully undressed and gave me one of those useless, backless gowns to put on. (Very sexy, if you are into that sort of thing!)

Then in walks the nurse who proceeded to administer an IV. THEY DIDN'T TELL ME THEY WERE GOING TO DO THAT, EITHER!!! OUCH! (I'm such a weenie.)

After waiting a while, I'm getting a little bit dopey. Finally someone comes in and walks me down a hallway with an open door at the end. Everything is totally blurry because of my lousy eyesight. I'm leading an IV on a stick, and trying to cover up my naked butt at the same time.

When we got to the end of the hall, I was led into the room where there was a doctor at the head of the table, a male nurse anesthetist, and at the foot of the examining table...THERE WERE 4 MED STUDENTS...COMPLETE WITH CLIPBOARDS!!!! I guess they were there to "observe" the procedure.

I was informed that the doctor was going to fill my bladder up with liquid, and I would have to tell them when my bladder couldn't hold any more! The big cheese doctor then instructed me to put my legs up in the stirrups... I WAS BUCK NAKED AND THERE WERE MALE & FEMALE STRANGERS IN THAT ROOM! I can't even begin to tell you how utterly humiliating this was...even in my slightly drugged state.

Not having much choice in the matter, I did as I was instructed.

It was at this point that the anesthetist started to talk to me to try to get me to relax. HOW THE FUCK COULD I RELAX? WAS HE NUTS?

I BEGGED him to knock me out all the way, but he explained to me that that was impossible, as I had to tell them myself when my bladder had reached maximum capacity. THE MORTIFICATION CONTINUES...

As the anesthetist is merrily jabbering away, I notice that he is moving closer to my face. SUDDENLY, he stops his mindless patter and shouts out loud..."AREN'T YOU LAST GIRL ON EARTH? (real name here) FROM MOUNTAIN STAGE? MY WIFE AND I COME TO SEE YOU PLAY EVERY SUNDAY. YOU'RE GREAT...OOOH...WAIT 'TIL MY WIFE HEARS ABOUT THIS!"

I COULD HAVE DIED RIGHT THEN AND THERE!!! I WAS THINKING, "YOU CAN KILL ME NOW!!" Like I said... big fish...small pond.