GIGS FROM HELL - Chapter 1

I have absolutely NO problem telling you that I totally believe that I have paid my dues over the many years that I've been playing music for a living. I'm sure most professional musicians can regale you with stories of gigs that were so ridiculous that we wonder WHY we've chosen this path. (I always say, "Beats a day job!")

Once upon a time, around 4 years ago, I got a call from a booking agent to play solo violin at a very swanky New York restaurant. I was told that the "event" that I was to be hired for was "very special". A guy was going to propose to his girlfriend right after they had dinner in a private room of the restaurant.

OK, this sounds nice. I play some sweet, soothing violin music for an hour while the two of them chit-chat, he springs the ring on her, she says yes, I collect my money and go home.

OH, IF LIFE WERE THAT SIMPLE…

What I didn't know was that the guy HAD to have been JUNIOR MAFIA and spoke with a heavy Bronx accent. He even had the name VINNY. The girlfriend weighed at least 95 pounds. She was wearing a slip dress, but it really looked like an actual slip. Most of her weight was carried in her chest, if you know what I mean! She had long black hair and was actually quite pretty, but she had the MOST INTENSE Long Island accent you can imagine. Now I hope that none of you out there will be offended by me pointing out the fact that these two had THICK accents. Please don't take any offense if you are of Italian American decent. I am NOT prejudiced in the slightest against Italians or Long Islanders. It's just that these two WERE A CARICATURE OF THEMSELVES!

The room had a big dining table that could seat at least 40 people all around. But it had been set for two. There was one waiter assigned to the royal couple who was at their beck and call.

Apparently, the girl, whose name I can't remember, had graduated that day from college, and Vinny was "officially" taking her to dinner to celebrate.

All through dinner, I played. It was really weird to be standing there, kind of in the corner while these two were making goo goo eyes at each other over dinner. I was trying to blend into the woodwork while they were eating, but every now and then the girl would make RIDICULOUS requests in her high-pitched Sopranos voice. Things like:

"Could you play that song by Beethoven? I just LOOOOVE that one! You know the one that goes DA DA DA DUM"

I WAS ONE SINGLE VIOLIN PLAYING SOLO FOR FUCK'S SAKE, NOT THE LONDON PHILHARMONIC!

I'd play a couple of bars and then go into something more appropriate. She didn't notice. Shall we say that she probably wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed?

So they ate their dinner, I played my music, the waiter came in and out of the room. And then, after dessert, Vinny reached under the tablecloth where he had hidden a large jewelry pouch. He pulled it out and put it in front of her.

I'M STILL PLAYING WHILE ALL OF THIS IS GOING ON!

She opened the pouch and inside WAS THE BIGGEST ROCK YOU HAVE EVER SEEN! I'M TALKING THE FRIGGIN "HOPE DIAMOND"!

And then she screams:

"OH MY GOD! AHHHHHHHHHHH! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! AHHHHHHHH!!!!"

(Imagine this with her over the top accent, and a volume level that could wake the dead!) Over and over. And then she starts to WAIL…not just cry, but WAIL.

"Vinny, you promised. You promised. You promised you wouldn't ask me until next summer. You surprised me. AHHHHHHHHHH. OH MY GOD"

I finally stopped playing because the whole scene was just so uncomfortably WEIRD! As soon as I stopped, she called me over to show me the rock on her finger. I went to look, (ignoring the mascara streaming down her cheeks), commented on its beauty and scooted out of the room.

After I left, she fell to the floor at Vinny's knees and continued to scream and blubber for at least 10 more minutes at ear shattering volumes. The waiter and I just hung out not exactly knowing what to do at this point.

Eventually, Vinny came in looking for me. He wanted to know if he could pay me a small fortune to stay for another hour. It turns out that in anticipating a positive answer to his proposal, Vinny had invited "THE FAMILY" to join them for cocktails after their dinner. I can't imagine what would have happened if she had said "no"!

Of course I said yes. I'm no fool!

After a few minutes, as if on cue, in walks "THE FAMILY". The future bride had taken a couple of minutes to clean up her face in the bathroom, and was greeting the guests while waving her hand in front of her face to show off THE ROCK.

So for the next hour, I stood off in the corner and played background music to around 50 people who ALL sounded like they had starred in THE GODFATHER movies.

Since nobody seemed to notice me at all at this point except for a couple of little old Italian grandmotherly types who would nod at me every now and then, I took great pleasure in improvising around totally inappropriate songs like, Jefferson Airplane's, WHITE RABBIT... "GO ASK ALICE ... WHEN YOU'RE TEN FEET TALL." And "PAINT IT BLACK"... When these tunes are played on a romantic solo violin, no one could tell what songs I had chosen and it made the time go by much faster for me.

...VINNY WAS HAPPY, HIS GIRLFRIEND GOT HER ROCK, THE FAMILY GOT A NEW DAUGHTER,

...I GOT AN EXTRA WAD OF CASH AND A WHOLE NEW REPERTOIRE!

Here is a sample of what it sounded like.
I call this The "PAINT IT BLACK / GODFATHER MEDLEY"...