Breast Impersonation

REALITY HITS... I’M HOME AGAIN!
The following is a true story that happened to me yesterday…

About a month ago, I was told by my GYN that I would have to go for a “routine” breast examination…That means the DREADED MAMMOGRAM.

Now, for you boys out there who think that this is something to get excited about… what with someone fondling your boobs and all…YOU ARE GROSSLY MISTAKEN! Especially if you happen to have “normal size” breasts, like moi. It’s true. I was never offered a gig at Hooters! Just a normal B cup. (Last Guy is very happy with them, thanks for your concern!) Getting your mammaries squished sideways between 2 panes of glass is REALLY no laughing matter! And definitely NOT a turn-on by any stretch of the imagination!

ANYHOW, back to the story. I procrastinated for at least a month, and figured I’d make the appointment when I get home from my trip. I finally called the imaging center, and was told that they no longer took my insurance.

I called my doctor back again and was given 2 more numbers to call.

The first call was answered by a VERY snooty English woman who informed me that they didn’t take my insurance either, but since I was a patient of one of their “favorite” doctors, I could get the discount mammogram price of $200! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? The fact that I actually HAVE insurance and shouldn’t have to pay ANYTHING never occurred to Miss Snootface!

Upon making the second call, I was informed that they could “squeeze me in”, (no pun intended), IN AUGUST!!! You’d think that I was trying to get a reservation at a swanky, hot restaurant. WHO THE HELL DO YOU HAVE TO SLEEP WITH AROUND HERE TO GET A MAMMOGRAM?

SOOOO, I call back my doctor ONE more time and have the following conversation with her nurse…

NURSE: I have figured out why your insurance is being turned down for this procedure.

ME: And what might that be? I should be fully covered for this.

NURSE: It says here in your chart that you had a mammogram in December 2004.

ME: That’s impossible. I would KNOW if I had had a mammogram, and I’m telling you that I couldn’t possibly have had one! Some things a girl just KNOWS!

NURSE: NO… It’s right here in your records. Maybe you just forgot.

ME: IMPOSSIBLE!

NURSE: Hey, didn’t you call here a while ago to tell us that someone had stolen your purse with all of your ID, credit cards, and medical cards?

ME: As a matter of fact, that happened a couple of years ago. I don’t remember calling you about it, but maybe I did.

NURSE: Well, it appears that someone might be impersonating you and using your insurance card!

ME: YOU MEAN SOMEONE IS OUT THERE GETTING MAMMOGRAMS IN MY NAME? THIS IS INSANE!

NURSE: Well, this is New York City. Anything is possible. It also says here that you had one in 2003 as well.

ME: That’s NUTS! A breast impersonator is going around USING UP ALL MY MAMMOGRAMS! No, no. This can’t be happening. I love my breasts! I feel even more violated than when I had my drivers’ license stolen and had someone parading around opening up accounts at places like Nordstrom and Bloomingdale’s and charging up $12,000 IN MY NAME! (true story). Material things I can live with…BUT NOT BODY PARTS!

NURSE: Sorry, but it’s all here in your charts. Even your birthday. August 24th, 1951.

ME: THAT’S NOT MY BIRTHDAY… WRONG DATE…WRONG YEAR… YOU’VE BEEN READING THE WRONG CHART!

How great it is to be back home! The nurse was so embarrassed she managed to get me an appointment for the end of the month. I can hardly wait…